What do we mean by healthy boundaries?
“Healthy boundaries” is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot, especially in therapy, but what does it really mean? For many of us, struggling with boundaries is at the heart of our personal issues. So let’s break it down and explore what healthy boundaries look like and why they matter.
What Are Boundaries?
At its core, having boundaries means having a strong sense of self. It’s about knowing who you are, what you’re okay with, and where you draw the line between yourself and others. Healthy boundaries help us understand where we begin and where others end, and much of this is learned—consciously or not—within our families.
In families with weak boundaries, often everyone is expected to share the same values, beliefs, and ways of doing things. This “we’re all the same” mentality can blur the lines between individuals. Families like this are sometimes called “emotionally unskilled.”
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries involve knowing yourself and clearly expressing what you’re comfortable with, what you need others to respect and honouring the same in others. On the other hand, unhealthy boundaries can look like either having no boundaries at all or having boundaries that are so rigid, they feel controlling. Healthy boundaries foster open communication, assertiveness, and mutual respect, while unhealthy boundaries often lead to manipulation and control.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries can be tricky. It’s about understanding, “What are my feelings, and what are someone else’s?” It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling responsible for how others feel, especially if you’ve grown up learning to manage other people’s emotions in order to feel safe yourself. You might find yourself people-pleasing just to keep the peace or to be seen as “good” or “nice.”
However, healthy emotional boundaries mean learning to care about others without losing yourself in the process. You can empathise, but you’re not responsible for fixing how someone else feels.
Respect for Others
A key part of healthy boundaries is respecting others as capable adults. This means trusting that they know what’s right for them and can make their own decisions. Offering unsolicited advice or swooping in to “rescue” someone can be a way of saying, “I know better than you do.” This kind of behaviour can keep people feeling small or stuck in a victim mentality. Respecting boundaries means trusting that others can handle their own stuff.
Responsibility
Speaking of stuff—what’s yours, and what’s someone else’s? Healthy boundaries mean owning your own issues and letting others take responsibility for theirs. It’s about not shifting blame or trying to defer your emotional baggage onto someone else. Likewise, it’s about letting others handle their own responsibilities, even when it’s tempting to step in.
Privacy
Another important boundary is privacy. Both you and others have the right to keep certain things private. Oversharing—whether it’s your own stuff or someone else’s—is a sign of weak boundaries. Being overly curious about how others live their lives or manage their finances, for example, also shows a lack of boundaries.
Values and Opinions
Healthy boundaries allow room for different values and opinions. Instead of thinking, “There’s one right way to do things, and that’s it,” healthy boundaries encourage curiosity about others’ perspectives. In families with poor boundaries, you might hear phrases like, “This is how it’s done,” or “You know what it’s like…” This kind of black-and-white thinking limits the freedom to be your own person. People who struggle with boundaries often fear judgment from others and may avoid making decisions because they’re unsure of themselves.
Self-Expression and Conflict
When you have healthy boundaries, you can express yourself—even in tough conversations—without feeling like you’re attacking someone else or that you are being attacked. You understand that you’re not responsible for managing how others feel, so you can hold space for someone to share their opinions and emotions without taking it personally.
On the flip side, poor boundaries often mean fearing anger or conflict and seeing someone’s negative feelings as a personal attack. In a healthy dynamic, expressing opposing views isn’t seen as threatening—it’s a valuable part of growth and connection.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are probably the most obvious: they involve your personal space and your body. It’s important to respect when someone needs physical space or time to themselves.
Time Boundaries
Speaking of time, respecting someone’s request for time is another crucial boundary. Whether it’s taking time to think, to calm down, or to make a decision, it’s important to honour that request. And on the flip side, knowing when to say “no” to protect your own time and energy is just as important.
Saying No
Saying “no” clearly and without fear of rejection is a big part of setting boundaries. Recognising when you want to say no and being able to communicate that, shows self-respect. If you were raised by adults who did not allow you to have your ‘no’, then you might find it difficult to disappoint people in adulthood. You also might find it hard to hear the word ‘no’. People who continue to push against this boundary need educating. Likewise, people who feel they are somehow being unkind by saying ‘no’ need to practice! Saying no to someone else is usually saying ‘yes’ to yourself and that’s important.
In Summary
At the end of the day, you get to decide what your boundaries are. It’s up to you to communicate them, and when they’re violated, that’s your cue to speak up. Boundaries are what keep us feeling safe, respected, and true to ourselves. They’re not about shutting people out or about being unkind. Quite the opposite, they’re about creating the space you need to thrive as an individual while still caring for others. If you find yourself feeling angry or resentful, that’s often a sign that a boundary has been crossed and needs to be communicated.
